Guilty as Charged

Last night was one of the first times I felt guilty as a parent.

If not for what little common sense I have, I would not hesitate to wallow in my self pity and think "Gosh, I must be the worst parent EVER."
But I am almost positive there has to be at least one parent out there who is worse at this game than I am.

For the first 3 months of my daughter's life, I've managed a happy, healthy baby, and had the good fortune to think to myself, "Yay! I don't entirely suck as a parent". Afterall, you can't entirely suck if your kid is still alive & kicking, right?

First, I want to be upfront and say how adamant I am about breastfeeding my children. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed Grace until she was at least 6 months old. Unfortunately, my supply has been dropping without any reason I can think of, and my poor baby has slowly been starving. I try to tell myself that I've always been able to feel her ribs, and not be entirely paranoid over it. I was just so determined to keep breastfeeding her exclusively and not give in to the urge to supplement with a bottle of formula.
So, you can imagine my dismay when I gave in to that urge last night.

I've been sick for a few days now, with a low grade fever, and last night I was dehydrated, and "the girls" were high and dry. The fight to get Grace to sleep at night has been gradually been growing more and more tremendous, mainly because she's so hungry I think. The last few nights she was waking up every hour, which is how I got sick in the first place (you try going two nights with minimal sleep at the start of cold & flu season and see how healthy you stay, lol).
Usually she's awesome about sleeping straight through the night, but it's gotten to the point where hunger is overriding that habit. She even started refusing naps.

So I broke down last night & gave her a bottle of formula. I felt terrible about it, but I wasn't about to let her go to bed hungry another night. Both Andy & I needed rest. Andy's been such a champ this week about taking care of two babies, but I think it's starting to get to him.

The decision to supplement, and with what, wasn't easy. I called the after hours pediatrician hotline and asked them what formula would be best to do the deed with, keeping Grace's reflux in mind. They suggested the soy based sample I had on hand at first, but weren't entirely sure. I had several sample cans from the hospital-- two cans of Enfamil with Lipil, and two cans of Similac, one of them soy based.
Eventually the nurse called us back to tell us which one specifically to get (something AR), but to stick with one formula for at least a week before switching to see how Grace would react to it.

So far she seems to be handling it well, she even slept in till 8:15 (booyah!). I was able to pump 5 ounces of breastmilk out this morning, so that was a good start. However, I only managed to get 2 ounces at the next feeding, so I made another "I'm a horrible parent" decision. I combined it with two ounces of formula for a four ounce bottle. I guess some breastmilk is better than none, right?
At feeding #3, my supply is found wanting again, so I'll be repeating the process when Grace gets up from her second nap.
Holy cow... her second nap... I can't remember the last time she slept twice in the same day!

As for a solution to the low supply problem, I've been taking fenugreek capsules and More Milk Special Blend. More Milk tastes & smells like Satan's behind... not that I personally know what that smells like, but it really reeks. I haven't been taking it this week because I've been sick, and had a hard time stomaching food for a day or so, so I am waiting until I'm better to get back on the stuff.
I guess if you're a huge fan of intense black licorice, you'd probably go for it, but I think it's as nasty as spinach, coleslaw, and other commodities I tend to gag on.

Sleep is for the Weak

I've dreaded this day for a long time.
I'm sick.
I'm a mom, and I'm sick.
I'm a mom, I'm sick, and there's no one but me to care for the baby right now.

Sure, it's just the common cold, but nevertheless I feel pretty crummy.
I just want to sleep. Problem is, my three month old is refusing to take a nap for whatever reason. She'll fall asleep in my arms, but the second I put her in her swing (where she usually naps), she's wide awake again, crying, and we're back to square one. She's fed, dry, and she's got to be tired. She usually has her nap from nine to noon, but here we are pushing one and she's yet to fall asleep.
I'd bang my head on the desk, but I'm pretty sure I still couldn't tell the difference in pain between the throbbing head & sore throat I already have.

The worse I feel, the more convinced I am that motherhood is next to sainthood.

How on earth do you other women do it?

Trick Pony

I know I'm LONG overdue for a post, so here goes...

Y'know how I said at the end of my last post that my day revolves around my daughter's poopy behind? It's true. Around that time she was having some bowel problems. I guess we are both trying to get regular. She would go several days without pooping, and at the very climax of the pressure, she would be inconsolably fussy. You could tell she was uncomfortable. She kept doing this for weeks, and I finally got tired of it. The tricks some of our friends had shown us to help relieve her were not working... it was time for medical intervention!
After my 6 week postpartum checkup, I took Grace downstairs to the pediatrician's office. I cried to the nurse like an idiot (who knew poop could get a mom so emotional?!), and she took us into one of the rooms. She showed me a last-resort type procedure that I like to call The Trick Pony. It involves a q-tip and vasoline... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
I stopped & got some lunch afterwards, and about 20 mins after I got home, Grace had an atomic diaper-- HOORAY!
The next week she had her 2 month checkup and first vaccinations. The nurse was impressed with how curious Grace was. She said Grace is one of the most alert babies she's ever seen. She is a funny baby, and seems happiest when we are on the go ("Places to see, people to meet!"). I have a feeling she is going to love shoulder rides, and sitting by herself in the shopping cart.
Anyway, she has steadily been getting more regular and tends to have a poopy diaper every other day now. She does better when I eat better, which I should probably do more often. I've gotten really terrible with my sugar control lately, and really need to re-commit myself to staying on top of it. Just like a year ago, I need to do it for my baby.
Speaking of which, one of my friends is thoroughly convinced I'm expecting #2 just because I incessantly crave soft serve vanilla ice cream.

In other news, Grace started laughing on September 13. She doesn't do it very often, but when she does, there's no mistaking it for anything else. It's a laugh if you ever heard one! She also carries on conversations with people in baby gibberish, and is starting to roll over.

I turned 26 last week, and Andy's grandmother passed away that day. We went down to California for the funeral. I was grateful to have Andy's brother & sister with us in the back of the van we rented, they were troopers & kept Grace entertained for the 12 hour drive. It is making me seriously reconsider my desire to fly to New York for Christmas. The rolling changes in pressure & elevation in the car bothered her as she would seem to get the fussiest right around the time our own ears were about to pop. As adults it's something we're all used to, but I can't imagine the discomfort it would be for a baby who's never experienced something like that before.
Now I know why babies cry on planes.

Clockwork

This last week has been okay. We started giving Grace baths every night to see if they would help her sleep longer. We've started to get into a routine where she gets a bath at 10 pm, nurses around 10:30 or 10:45, and (like clockwork) is sound asleep in her crib at 11 pm. She sleeps through until 5:30 or 6 am. I pick her up, change her diaper, nurse her, and back to sleep she goes until 10. She also is pretty reliable about having a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. I've been trying to keep her awake longer between them. I think we are up to almost 2 hours.
Yesterday she napped from 2p to 6:30p. I even got a nap in!
It's been nice, I've been able to start catching up on chores. My mom will be here next week for Grace's blessing (christening), so she can keep Grace entertained while I get even more stuff done around the house.
The only time I am not amused is when she decides to pull her catnap trick, where she'll doze for 20 mins - 1 hour, then be up for several. By the time bathtime rolls around, she is in baby meltdown, full blown crying and all. I don't know why she does this, but she seems to do it at least once a week, and there's little we can do to soothe her enough so she'll go to sleep.

We picked up some special Johnson's lavender bedtime bath stuff last night to see if it would help Grace sleep even longer. We got her down at 11 last night, and she slept till almost 7a. Apparently the stuff is "clinically proven" to help babies sleep longer. I will keep trying it over the weekend. If it's consistent, I may move her bedtime back an hour or so, so Andy & I can get to bed even earlier.

I get about as much sleep as Andy does now. I'm up shortly after he leaves. Who would ever have thought that a woman's clock is set by her child's needs? Indeed, the sun rises and falls on my daughter's poopy behind.

Sunday's Lesson

It is my belief that we lived with God before we came to earth. The reason we come to earth is to receive a body and learn all we need to in order to return & live with Him again.
With that understanding, I am also coming to believe that babies are a facilitator in our lessons. Why else would the Lord cause us to bear children if it were not to learn the sweet and divine lessons of pure, unadulterated, Christ-like love, sacrifice, and patience?

Grace officially turned 1 month old yesterday. In the last 30 days, I have gone from "Where the #%*@ is the return policy on this thing?" and being terrified of her waking up, to feeling a physical love and joy for this new person in my life. Sure she's got pipes & can scream for 4 hours straight if she wants to, but she's also very sweet and just as much a ham outside the womb as she was inside.
She's starting to make more coos and random noises now. Last night she peeled out a squeal that was pretty funny, and this morning she sounded like she said "Ah-kay!", like "Oh, good, diaper's changed. Okay, let's go".

She cracks me up sometimes. Her gas grin is still the best.

Thank you, Grace, for beginning to help me learn true love-- the kind of perfect love where, for the first time in my life, I expect nothing in return.
Thank you for testing my patience... it would not learn to stretch otherwise.
Thank you for helping me begin to understand sacrifice-- a few hours of sleep deprivation here, want of a shower after a good sliming there-- I've learned to put off things I want right now until I know you're happy and safe for the moment.
And thank you especially for you. Because of you, I love your father more. It is so profound knowing we created something so beautiful together.

Now if only I could find a good alternative to wearing a nursing bra 24/7... this thing is driving me nuts!

It's the Little Things...

I have a confession.
Some days when my baby is inconsolably fussy, and I can't figure out what's wrong, I get so frustrated that I wonder where the heck the return policy is. You were so much less complicated to deal with in my belly, I think. How much happier was I before all of this!
But then there are moments when she's laying on my chest, snuggled close to my heart and sleeping soundly... the light from the window grazing softly across her face... the little things like that, that make it worth it at the end of the day.
I am eternally grateful for family & friends who keep teaching us little tricks that help save our sanity. One of the major ones has been learning that babies DO have an off button! Thanks to The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. Such a life saver. I cannot thank Mike & Kathy enough for loaning us that DVD as well as their swing.
Then last night a friend came over & showed us some other tricks to help Grace get rid of some major gas problems. She had been so fussy the last few nights... we were actually up till 4:30 in the morning on Saturday night, and she had been keeping us up till 1 & 2a nights before that. We didn't know what to do for her, but I was pretty sure it was gas. Mylicon/simethicone doesn't do anything (at least it didn't seem to). She also hadn't had a poopy diaper since Tuesday. I know it's okay for breastfed babies to go for a week without a poop, but Grace was not a happy camper. So it was such a relief when our friend showed us some tricks to help get that gas out of Grace's belly-- mainly knee/leg crunches, and belly massage. A backwards football hold & spank (as kinky as that sounds) worked very well, too. Within an hour of our friend leaving, Grace had a full diaper. I hosed her off in the tub with glee.
After a nice warm bath, and massage with baby oil, she conked out for 7 hours. It was wonderful to see her at peace again, and to get ourselves to bed at a reasonable hour as well.

The next time we are at our wits end, I want to remember the little things:
How her breath smelled so sweet, like fresh baked custard, when I first started breastfeeding her. I love custard.
I love to get lost in her eyes.
I love the soft little tufts of hair that stick out on the edge of her ear. I know it won't be there forever, but it's so funny & cute.
I love how she grins when she's falling to sleep. I know it's just gas, but again... it's so cute & funny
I'm amused at how vocal she is while breastfeeding. It's like a cat possessively feeding. I try to carry on a conversation with her when she "talks" like this. She also seems to enjoy stroking her face, and often me at the same time.
I love the soft little sigh she sometimes makes: "Ah-woo".
I love when she's asleep, it means she's happy and comfortable enough to find peace.

My Big, Loud, Irish Labor...

...was surprisingly peaceful.
You may have seen those television shows that depict the young mother in the throes of labor, screaming and cursing her husband, but I am here to say it does not have to be that way.
Grace Anne was born July 9 at 5:19 via vaginal delivery with no cursing of her daddy, whatsoever. Thanks to the hypnosis techniques I had learned, I made it to 7 cm dilation with no drugs, and was never in pain. All I felt was intense pressure, like the worst menstrual cramps one can imagine. I felt like I was being squeezed through the eye of a needle, but there was never pain.
The evening before, I had to go in for a gel application to my cervix to help jump start dilation. I then returned 6 hours later for another dose. They were going to let us go home, but Grace started having a little trouble, so we were kept. Andy slept much of the night & my Mom was there, up filming every few hours. At about 3 am or so, she came and sat by my bed, and I think that's probably the most special time I've ever spent with my mother.
My contractions started to change a little then from the braxton hicks belt tightening sensation I was used to, to the cramp-like contractions.
At 8a they came in and got me on the IVs, started pitocin to jump start contractions, etc. Their blood glucose machine was a beast & I felt like it was going to eat all my blood. My poor little fingers almost couldn't bleed anymore by the end of the day, it took such big samples.
At 10:50a, my water broke all by itself. This got me really excited. Within an hour, I was dilated to 7 & not having as much fun anymore. I did get an epidural, but it didn't hurt, and I only had a very low dose. It makes me wonder if I could maybe make it further the next time around.
4:30 we were ready to push. Grace was really struggling, so they had to put on an internal monitor (which I'm not too happy about since the doctor ended up just yoinking it out, along with a patch of Grace's hair... my poor baby got scalped!)
Near the end, the doctor, nursing team, and my husband began singing my favorite hymn, Come Come Ye Saints. That was really special to me.
For those of you unfamiliar with it, here's part of the first verse:
"Come, come, ye saints. No toil, nor labor fear, but with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day..."
By then, the doctor told me to stop pushing, and a few minutes later he dangled a very fuzzy baby girl in the air by her ankle. She stared at me, blinking, before they whisked her off to the sidelines for clean up.
It happened so fast that my husband didn't get the opportunity to cut the cord, which I really wanted him to do.
During the birthing, I tore pretty badly, and the doctor did an episiotomy. My birth plan pretty much went out the window, and I felt the doctor had a bit of a negative view on things, but I was glad I had a healthy baby. I still feel that I had a satisfying birthing experience.
After I was sewn up, I was finally able to hold my baby.


Not long after, Andy went with her to the nursery for further clean up, and I was brought a tray of food. I didn't get to eat it right away, as they were letting me recover, but I was ready to rock and roll. They took out some of the IVs, leaving only one in to my relief, and then took me down to the room I'd be staying in.
I was enjoying a lovely turkey dinner when Andy returned with our little girl. She had a little purple bow in her hair, I was sold.
We roomed in with our baby the entire time.
Sitting was really uncomfortable, so they got me a doughnut cushion. I called it my tush cush. I also had lots of ibuprofen & percocet.
We were released Friday evening. Grace slept all the way home, and didn't wake up till 9 or 10.


And of course we had a perfect stay in the hospital, and a chaotic first night home. She woke up at 2 and wouldn't go back to sleep. My mom finally came in to us & took her at 6 am so we could get some sleep. She was a perfect guest the entire time. I wish she could be like that every time she visited. Maybe now that she has a grandbaby, she will be. :)
A couple days later the baby blues kicked in.
Nobody really takes the time to warn you about the baby blues, or the fact that you will cry uncontrollably without reason or warning. I think I'm starting to come out of the woods now, but rough days when Grace is inconsolably fussy tend to set me back. It takes a conscious effort to eat and take my meds. If I don't, I tend to get really depressed. Getting out helps too, and so does chocolate.
She gained her birthweight back and then some by 2 weeks, and the nurse was really impressed at how strong she was while doing her PKU test. She can hold her head up for short periods, and it took both of us to hold her down on her belly for the test. Her cord stump fell off on Tuesday, and I'm glad cuz I think it was starting to bother her. She would yelp if I turned her on her belly wrong.
Anyway, that's about all. I've been meaning to post this and updates for a long time.
Grace is fussing now, time to go feed!