Revenge of the Binge

So I know I haven't blogged since Everyday Paleo ended. I think I've been running and hiding in shame. I was "good" for a week after that and when Grace's birthday came (just this past weekend), the hideous fearsome binge monkey raised its head again.

Just this morning the thought re-entered my mind that, subconsciously, I may be trying to kill myself by over eating. Since May, I've put on nearly 20 lbs. This is me being brutally honest. I'm not in a good place emotionally, and I am trying to scream for help. While I feel there are people listening, and trying to reach out, I also feel like I am alone.
Honestly, I'm seriously considering shaving my head, cutting myself, and randomly disappearing indefinitely and telling no one. This is not sarcasm.

I know I said I was going to start Whole 30 right after Grace's birthday, but I've had a really hard time getting on the horse. I desperately need to get back to regular exercise, but the thought of going near a treadmill makes me die a little inside, and I don't handle the heat well. I've thought about going for an early morning walk or a walk after dinner, but the standard route causes the same feelings in me and I don't do well in the heat. I also don't want to take Grace or Andy with me, but I don't want to go alone. Can you see part of my problem here? I can lift big weights in the weight room, but I feel lost in there too since I don't really know what kind of a workout I should do to tone up and tend to go to the machines I feel comfortable in and throw myself into a rut.

I've been in the same 10 lb weight range for a year now (I'm 185 now, and I was 185 this time last year). This doesn't help either cuz when I get frustrated I take it out on food, and thus the binge cycle starts again.

I feel lost. I just want to disappear.