Religion Does Not Define The Person I Am

One of the harder lessons I've had to learn in life is the difference between having a relationship with the Lord and being religious.
My father was a member of the Episcopal church when I was a baby, and my mother was Catholic. I was baptized Episcopalian as an infant. When I was 3, my parents moved to Utah. Over time, they converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, as did I. My parents divorced when I was 8, and my mom had to work a number of jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I learned to cook and fend for myself. I went to church on occasion, but loathed Primary. Honestly, I think I just loathed wearing a dress. Oh, and I never sang, cuz I've always had a deep contralto voice, and didn't learn to love it until I was older. Church was not enjoyable until I got into Young Womens. Then it was fun.
Mom eventually remarried and was able to go to the Temple and set an example for me. As I grew into my late teens, I was pretty devout, and felt that my faith was unshakeable. Then I met my husband online, and we were engaged 7 days later without having ever met. We were sealed in the Temple less than a year later. Oh, did I mention we will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary next month?

After I moved away from home, some things happened to my mom that pushed her away from the church. Honestly, I think she got her feelings hurt by some of the members, but I digress. My favorite aunt was going to be visiting my mom, and mom suggested us 3 girls hang out in Vegas for a couple of days. I was game, and went. I knew my mom had become a coffee drinker, which bothered me (you're not supposed to have coffee or strong tea as a Mormon), but what made me snap is when she ordered a cocktail at the show we went to. I was super upset (in tears), and we had a discussion over the whole ordeal. My mom, who had held high offices in the stake, was rapidly deteriorating as a faithful member. To this day, she still has issues with paying tithing (and chews us out for paying ours, cuz it's 10% of our income that could be going toward a new house and other things we need).
Anyway, I was feeling pretty hurt over her behavior. It took me several years to realize, through her continued charity work and leadership in the community, that you don't have to go to church in order to have a close, personal relationship with the Lord.

Personally, I think church is incredibly boring. I rather spend stake conference at home with my husband & kid, and General Conference (where the world turns in to hear our Prophet speak) is down right physically painful to sit through. No, really. It kills me. Can I blame my ADD?
When I served in the Primary presidency at church for 3 years, I was happy... but I think it was b/c I spent 2 hours running errands non stop and doing my own thing. I liked making the presidency look good by helping it to run smoothly.
I was devastated when I was released from that calling, and 3 months later I'm still struggling to adapt to "civilian life". I'm the chorister in Relief Society now, which I don't mind, but sitting through some of the lessons makes me want to blow my brains out.
Sometimes I think some of the other ladies around me feel the same way. Last week we had a lesson on what will happen when Christ returns to the Earth. One of my close, older friends (Karen) was sitting next to me.
Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what will be the first thing to happen in the morning of the Resurrection?"
Me: *biting lip. Foot thumping nervously. Leaning over to Karen* "I desperately want to raise my hand and yell ZOMBIES!"
Karen: *choke, snort laugh*
Another lady across the room: "The world be turned into Eden. It won't be cold anymore, and we'll be vegetarians."
Me: *muttering, not really realizing it's aloud* "Maybe in your Eden. My Eden will have beef and snow."
Somebody must have heard me cuz they snorted a laugh too.
Karen: "Mine will have chocolate that won't make you fat."
Me: "Mine too!"

Can you see what I mean by "having trouble adjusting to civilian life"? I blame Primary. I've been in there so long that my inner big kid forgot how to be reined in. It just blurts out whatever it's thinking at the moment.
Yet, I love the Lord fiercely, and my faith in Him is still unshakeable. Given the chance, I will be a warrior for Him. My knee shall bow and tongue confess that Jesus is the King. Did I mention I'm super bull-headed when I get into an argument? WARRIOR!

I don't lie, cheat, steal, drink, smoke, or swear. When I use WTH and WTF online, it's always "What the heck?!" and "What the Fudge?!". My version of the F-bomb is "Fudgenugget", "Frick", or "Farffenugen.". The dirtiest word I use is "Smeg", and if you're a horse person, you'll know what it's derived from.
I try to be the type of friend a friend would like to have. I love passionately, and I'm fiercely loyal. You might even say that I'm dog like. When I get to know you well, I turn into a cross of Dory from Finding Nemo and Hammy from Over The Hedge. I'll tell you like it is, and will drop everything to be with you (provided my family isn't doing anything atm). If I REALLY like you (and feel that it's being reciprocated), I'll even watch your kids so you can sneak away for a while. If I like your kids and you, it is likely I will jump in front of a car or take a bullet for them.

I have a giant ego, but I also have a giant keloid on my left ear, which keeps said ego in check (really, it's hard to have too big of an ego when you feel ugly on the outside).
I'm also a little bit gay for Anne Hathaway and Zooey Deschanel. I have involuntary dreams at night where we go shopping and they tell me their darkest secrets.
I'm constantly having an internal struggle over whether or not gays should have the right to marry. Part of me thinks it's unconstitutional to not allow it, the other part says it's unnatural and cannot condone it.
DON'T JUDGE ME! lol

I love the Lord deeply. My family and friends come first. I'm honest and fair in dealing with my peers. I think church is boring and that religion does not equal a relationship with the Lord. When I race in 5ks or try to pound on my novels, I pray before I start. I'm fiercely loyal and will fight with you and for you.
I think I'm pretty awesome.

That's the kind of friend and person I am.

My Kid's A Genius

If you haven't met Grace, there are 3 things you should know about her.

She's a ham, especially around a camera
She's really funny and has a great sense of humor
She's got kid magazine model good looks

and... I'm 99% sure she's a genius. Like, her IQ is off the charts.

I am constantly impressed by what she brings home from school. Her latest piece makes me feel happy when I look at it. She also painted it with noodles. I wonder how much it would bring in on ebay...

Blah

So I know I'm behind on posting about my Leptin Reset, and I think I'll just leave it at that. I give up. Not on the reset, but on this blog. Having more fun focusing my energy on The Primal Junk Foodie blog.
I'm not saying I'll never post here again, cuz of course I'm going to write my greater moments here for the world to see, but other than that... I'm out for now. Peace.

Day 8, Leptin Reset

Jumped up 2 lbs (largely due to water weight, I think. Thanks, AF!), but holding steady, and largely sticking to the goals I've set for myself. Made a not so great food choice today, but I think it was more an error in my cooking rather than the food itself.
I made myself egg nog from scratch, but I made it too foamy. So I got through about half of it before deciding it just wasn't happening for breakfast.

BREAKFAST:
egg nog from scratch (1c grass fed organic cream + 6 eggs), and a side of cottage cheese
1330 cals, 11g carb, 128 fat, 47g protein
The egg nog is SUPER foamy. No way anyone can drink that much AIR.

LUNCH:
leftover egg nog (split above cals/carb/fat/protein in half)

DINNER:
pastured ham roast
366 cals, 0g carb, 18 fat, 48g protein

Totals:
1696 cals, 11g carb, 146 fat, 95g protein

super excited for our ham dinner. Gonna make a great breakfast tomorrow!

Day 6 & 7, Leptin Reset

So apparently I can't remember to update this blog regularly :P
Anyway, nothing much going on this weekend other than food. I have noticed, however, that depending on my hormone levels, I'm more addicted to some smells over others. This was brought about by a recent Scentsy purchase, lol.

I had nightmares about being on a mega binge. Like eating an entire pumpkin pie, a whole thing of whipped cream, and coconut flakes. When I woke up, I wasn't sure if it had really happened or not. Then I tried to remind myself "No, the last thing you ate were a few extra fried green tomatoes at dinner. You were well within you carb limits for the day"

BREAKFAST:
hot chocolate (made with grass fed organic cream top heavy cream & protein powder)
1,010 cals, 0g carb, 97g fat, 50g protein

LUNCH:
A couple slices of my Tea-Ramisu
611 cals, 1g carb, 38 fat, 62g protein

DINNER:
Almond butter stew
350 cals, 17g carb, 16 fat, 36g protein

totals:
1971 cals, 18g carb, 151 fat, 148g protein

TODAY:
BREAKFAST:
PJF Tea-Ramisu
611 cals, 1g carb, 38 fat, 62g protein

LUNCH:
Leftover Almond Butter Stew
350 cals, 17g carb, 16 fat, 36g protein

DINNER:
chicken lo mein (Make It Paleo)
196 cals, 10g carb, 8 fat, 20g protein

Just under 1200 cals. 28g carb, looks like a low fat day, which would explain my hunger. Sufficient protein though.
on a positive note, I was asleep by 9:30 last night

Day 5, Leptin Reset

Dropped 6 & 1/2 lbs this week. AF just showed up. Ladies, you know this means water weight, and I should be taking it on like the Titanic. If I dropped 6 lbs, I'm kinda scared about the week after AF leaves & all the water bails. It's going to be EPIC! I'll be droppin' it like it's hot.

BREAKFAST:
Make It Paleo Breakfast Burrito (with pork side)
578 cals, 6g carb, 39 fat, 50g protein

LUNCH:
A slice or two of my VLC/high protein Tea-Ramisu (recipe in forum shortly)
305 cals, 1g carb, 19 fat, 31g protein

DINNER:
fried green tomatoes (with tomatoes straight from our back porch garden) and smoky lime steak
878 cals, 13g carb, 49 fat, 76g protein

Totals:
1761 cals, 20g carb, 107 fat, 157g protein

Day 3 & 4 Leptin Reset

I guess I missed posting yesterday.

Grace has an ear infection, but she still wanted to go to school yesterday. Teacher said she was having a bit of a rough time the last hour, but she seems to be doing a lot better today.
At dinner, I told her that we might not be having this problem as much if she had just breast fed better. To which she sticks her face into my breast and sniffs. WTH, KID?! A moment later, her hand was down my shirt. SERIOUSLY?!
There's you giggle for today.

BREAKFAST:
6 egg omelette with blue cheese, leftover meat/veggies from dinner last night & 4 slices of bacon
907 cals, 11g carb, 62 fat, 71g protein

LUNCH:
2 black pepper blue cheese burger patties
660 cals, 8g carb, 44 fat, 56g protein

DINNER:
Skipped. There wasn't enough to feed all of us, and I was doing fine anyway.

Totals:
1567 cals, 19g carb, 106 fat, 127g protein

Feeling a little bit keto today (light headache, a little whoozy. Hello mild carb flu. Nice to see you again).

Was up before Grace, but only by a few minutes.
BREAKFAST:
2 cans tuna, mashed with avocado, and homemade avocado mayo
905 cals, 77 fat, 17g carbs (all from the avo, so that's, like, 4 net carbs), 50g protein

LUNCH:
gonna try to IF it

DINNER:
homemade sausage patties (from local pastured pork *happy dance*), and scrambled eggs
480 cals, 29 fat, 4g carb, 47g protein

Totals:
1385 cals, 106 fat, 21 carbs (8 net), 97g protein

aaaand it's payday, which always makes me happy. Time to order more grass fed/pastured critter, and buy veggies for the next few days.

Down 4 lbs since Nov 1st. Buh-bye water retention! 20 to go until I'm clawing at the 160s again.

Day 2 Leptin Reset

Had 100% compliance yesterday and met all my goals. Yay!
Today I confess to feeling a little anxiety, especially when I was at the grocery store. CHOCOLATE! Got home and took some magnesium to see if it helps quiet the monster (it has in the past), and brewed myself some chocolate orange herbal tea. Although I desperately wanted to put some cream or mascarpone in it.
Worried about my devon cream, grass fed heavy cream, and mascarpone going to waste.
*deep breath*
still 100% paleo for the day though. Have not deviated from food plan for the day. Going to go play a couple hands of gin at pogo to get my mind off of it.

BREAKFAST:
tuna cakes with a drizzle of EVOO
740 cals, 2g carb, 60 fat, 52g protein

LUNCH:
hard boiled eggs (possibly mashed with homemade avocado mayo)
140 cals, 2g carb, 9 fat, 12g protein

DINNER:
stuffed portabellos
860 cals, 32g carb, 48 fat, 62g protein
(the carbs may come down a bit if I only have 1 portabello cap)

totals:
1740 cals, 36g carb, 117 fat, 126g protein

100% paleo day!

6 Week Experiment

Hello, November 1st. For the next 6 weeks, I will attempt to reset my leptin to see if it helps some of the issues I'm having.
Jack Kruse Leptin Reset RX
Jack Kruse obviously didn't have a 3yo to get ready for school (feed, dress, as well as feed & dress himself) when he wrote Leptin Reset. He says no stress, but I honestly don't know how you get around not being stressed out trying to make breakfast for 2 people, get your 3yo to eat it, get her dressed, and to school on time in 30 mins. Grace is almost always up by 8a, but today it's raining so her room was extra dark (like 6 in the morning dark), so she overslept. I also overslept (Grace is my alarm clock), but I was up before she was.
Half way through breakfast, I hated Jack Kruse. I was ready to barf. I'm a fan of IF-ing, so I don't eat when I'm not hungry. Today I ate when I wasn't hungry. A lot. Uuuuuugh. I choked down 3 egg cupcakes (eggs & veggies baked together), 4 protein pancakes (wondering WTH I buy protein powder), and 4 strips of bacon. About the only thing I enjoyed was the bacon. I wondered if this is how eating contest contestants felt afterwards. :-x

Leptin Reset Starting Weight: 195.4
5'5.5" 29yoF
waist: 33"
hip: 40"
thigh: 20"
calf: 15"

goals:

• stick as closely as possible to 25g carbs/day
• in bed by 9p, asleep by 10p
• all baked goods for blog go immediately to friends and neighbors
• NO SNACKING!
• Limit dairy to 2x a week (sad face)
• No fruit (except avocados, mmmm)
• Bulk of carbs come from veggies, some from avocados
• No cardio until Dec 1st, to allow my injured Achilles to fully heal. Long walks in the evening thereafter.

Nov 1st food diary
BREAKFAST:
3 paleo egg cupcakes
4 protein pancakes
4T butter (had to choke down those pancakes somehow)
4 slices bacon
1,204 cals, 84 fat, 13g carb, 92g protein

LUNCH:
Unplanned (gonna see if I can make it to dinner)
Maybe some straight herbal tea

DINNER:
apple shallot pork chops
638 cals, 14g carb, 39 fat, 64 protein

Totals:
1842 cals, 27g carb, 123 fat, 156g protein