Biting The Bullet

I've been avoiding it, but it really is time. I need Whole 30 like an alcoholic needs AA. August 1st, I will be doing a modified Whole 30. I know, we discussed this before "what's the point of doing whole 30 if you modify it?". I'm not modifying it that much. I'm calling it Bacon 30 (cuz I'm allowing bacon). I will post a list below of what I am allowing for myself and what I am not. Really, it's all about being totally honest with one's self anyway, and cracking down on compliance.

What I'm NOT Allowing During Bacon 30

• Dairy-- dairy has been sneaking back into my diet, primarily in the form of heavy cream. Man that stuff is tasty!
• Grains (no brainer)
• Soy
• Legumes
• SUGAR-- this is my biggest baddie. I will be working extra hard to keep extracurricular sugars out of my system. No baking (will try to funnel creative urges into writing), no sugar coated treats. I will only consume sugars naturally occurring in food, such as fruit, vegetables, and meat
• No nightshades (including potatoes, eggplant, bell peppers, paprika, and tomatoes).
• NO POST BACON 30 BINGING!

What IS Allowed During Bacon 30

• BACON! (Honestly, I don't understand why Whole 30 excludes bacon. I know it's b/c it's cured with sugar, but W30 is really hard without bacon. Bacon is delicious. Especially the chemical-free kind)
• Butter
  "Wait. I thought you said no dairy?"
  I know, I know. I'm going to allow a little butter, okay? Ghee is great and all, but butter is freaking delicious... and I'm not gonna sit there and eat a whole block. I'll use it sparingly to cook and put some on my veggies.
• Pudding
  *Panic mode* "YOU SAID NO SUGAR! YOU SAID NO BAKING!"
  Take a deep breath. I've been making haupia lately. I think it's a great way to get in a serving of coconut. Also baked custard (made with coconut milk) makes a terrific hot breakfast.
  *grumble* "That doesn't make it okay. You're totally not doing Whole 30."
  Never said I was. This is BACON 30. This is my way of cracking down. You know what? There doesn't need to be extra sugar added to coconut based stuff. Coconut is sweet on its own. *King Julien Voice* So shut up, okay?
• Measuring myself (Whole 30 doesn't let you weigh or measure yourself, but I would like to know that I'm making progress. I will weigh myself on the days I go to the gym so that I can accurately set my HRM. I also have a diabetes check up mid-August)

What I Expect to Gain From This

• Better compliance
• Lower fasting blood sugar
• Defeat the evil sugar monster that, when triggered, launches me into violent hormonal-based binges
• Lose weight (cuz, face it, that's all everybody REALLY wants, right?)

GOALS IN ADDITION TO BACON 30

• Go to gym at least twice a week-- this will be easier once Grace officially starts preschool on August 23
• Do sprints once a week
• Do better about housekeeping (I expect that cutting out sugar will help my hormones and improve my overall mood, thus improving hygiene habits)
• Lose weight (see above)

August Bacon 30, here I come! And, dear friends, I hope you will take up your courage and join me.

Things No One Tells You About Parenting

Today I dropped Grace off at preschool for day camp. It's the longest we've been apart without someone I know personally watching her. I've been gone overnight before, with her staying home with daddy, but this is different. This is one of those things nobody warns you about parenting.
No matter how rough, tough, or bad ass you think you are, there's going to be tears when you drop your kid off at school for the first time and drive away. You say "Pshaw. Not me." Yeah, I did to. Heck, I'm the mom who danced around with glee the first time I left Grace in nursury at church, and told them not to bring her to me unless she was bleeding or poopy. But you know what? That first day of school...YOU'RE GONNA CRY! Trust me on this one.
The way her preschool does things is both a blessing and a curse. You pull up to the door, and the teacher RIPS your kid out of their carseat, throws them into the school, and ushers you away. Okay, maybe I'm being overdramatic, but the point is-- I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KISS GRACE GOODBYE!
I am sure I will adjust, and be thankful that I don't have to get out of my car in the winter, but it was still emotional.
It's been 3 hours, and the school still hasn't called, so at least I know Grace hasn't burned the facility down yet. I also drilled her for a few minutes about who we tell if we need to potty. Praying for no accidents, no running around naked cuz she can't get her pants up (even though I told the teacher at the door that Grace needs a little help).
And just to show you what an overthinker I am: I spent the weekend freaking out over her lunch. Started looking at bento boxes. Afraid she'd get teased no matter what I packed her. Then I realized I only had to worry about her taking lunch to camp today & Thursday, cuz she'll be home for lunch during the year. Still afraid she'll get teased for not having gogurt, bread, cookies... you get the idea, right? All the standard sugary garbage fare many parents send with their kid to school.
Now you're probably wondering "Well, what did you send?"
Bologna, cheese, carrots, juice box, and some raisins.
"I thought you said you didn't send sugary garbage--"
Shut up! I was panicking, OKAY?

So I ABANDON my kid at school with not entirely strangers (we go every Wednesday for reading time), and drive away, sniffling and wiping away the tears I thought I was too tough for, like a total loser. Guess what. I went to the gym for the first time, probably since Memorial Day week. It felt a little lonely not to have Grace's soft little hand in mine as I walked in, but I started relaxing quickly as I realized there was no pausing to take her potty, check her in at the day care there, and worry about her, or how much time I was spending. After the gym, I got some groceries at Target, and got even more relaxed. I realize more & more this really is the day of freedom I've been wistfully daydreaming about since the first week of Grace's life. I got to look at the mommy toys (kitchen gadgets) without Grace whining about going to the toy section. I just walked around aimlessly without being kicked by swinging little feet, or constantly being asked "Mommy, what's your name? Name Trish? TRIIIISH!"
Came home, had lunch, logged my exercise, watered the plants, and now counting the minutes until I pick up my worn out little monkey who will be going straight down for a nap since it's past her nap time. That's right, sucka. Another hour & a half to myself!
Maybe this preschool thing isn't such a bad thing afterall.
One of the many things nobody tells you about parenting ;)

Falling Off The Wagon

So I admit I've fallen off the wagon this week. Not all the way, but enough where I'm dragging from the buckboards. It started Tuesday. This month's Relief Society activity at church was international food night. I brought low carb haupia (recipe below).


1 13.5 oz cold can coconut milk (I used Native Forest, be sure to shake well before opening)
3 packets unflavored gelatin
stevia to taste (use a little more than you think you will need, cuz the sweetness dies down a bit as the haupia sets later)
vanilla
(I used liquid vanilla cream stevia-- kill 2 birds with one stone)

Pour 1/2 cup coconut milk into small bowl & combine well with gelatin. It will be doughy. Allow to rest.
In small saucepan, warm remainder of coconut milk. Add gelatin mixture and stir constantly over low heat for 5 mins.
Pour into dish of your choice. Place in fridge 2 hours or until set.

This was my own brain child. Haupia is traditionally made with coconut milk, water, cornstarch, and lots of sugar. I've made it with arrowroot before, but it wasn't until I became friends with gelatin that I realized I could cut the dessert down to virtually 0 carb per serving.

So I bring my haupia and everyone seems to be asking for the recipe. I threw Primal out the window and caved to the wonders of a close friend's Irish soda bread with caraway and currant. It was like dessert. So good! Also someone brought authentic lamingtons. I had never had lamingtons before and HAD to have one. After my third lamington, the gals at my table started asking if I was okay. My eyes had glazed over. "Yeah, I'm great" --dashes off for FOURTH lamington--
In my defense, I did have some meat. I know. Weak defense :P

So that's where my trouble started.

When I woke up on Wednesday, I felt the effect of the sugar & gluten rush. I felt those nasty manic depressive emotions/hormones coming on. Luckily, playgroup was in a few hours, and I knew it would be good for me to be around other people. At 9:55 I decided I wanted to take food with me, so I paused to make myself a BAS (big @$$ salad). This was probably my best food choice this week. I hardboiled some eggs, griddled up some bacon, opened 2 cans of tuna, dumped in an entire bag of baby greens, and threw down some EVOO & lemon juice. I stopped to get an avocado on the way to the park. BTW, I'm becoming a total avocado junkie. Let me tell you that salad was AWESOME! It was like 1600 calories, lol.
You'd think that would be enough food to hold me over til dinner, right? Wrong. More bad food choices. I knocked out half a kind bar, some apple chips I bought Grace, and they set out otis spunkmeyer cookies at her preschool after reading time. No one's twisting my arm to eat these-- SO WHY CAN'T I RESIST?!

So there I am sitting at 2,000 cals, and it's only 3pm. Great. Hubby wanted to go out to dinner. I start to panic. He wants to go to Cocolitos which I love, but I don't really want to add to my calorie count, even though I'm hungry (shock and horror-- WHAT!), and I'm afraid of all the deep fried delicious stuffed tortilla glory. I get there and I've already told hubby how I feel. He encourages me to get a carnitas platter. It worked out. I ate a couple strips of steak and gave all the refried garbage to him. He got a solid sized lunch to take to work, and I felt a little calmer.

Thursday I woke up feeling alright, and guess what! I went for a 5 mile walk. The Chocolate (my favorite dessert place prior to going Primal. Their red velvet is heavenly!) started making handmade Italian sodas, and they had sugar free flavors. I figured one couldn't hurt. It was a nice day. I stopped by Target on the way for a grilled chicken salad. I treated Grace to a gluten free turtle tart, and got myself a sugar free cherry Italian soda. It was alright, but I figured I could just as easily make myself one at home.
When I get home, we veg, and I start on dinner, Hasta La Vista Pasta Lasagna. Andy really likes it cuz it uses one of his favorite vegetables-- zucchini. Had a healthy serving.

Friday I went for a key lime protein drink. I made key lime protein pudding on Monday & thought it would make a great drink. Meh, not so much. I couldn't figure out if I was hungry or queasy. I hate that feeling! However it was filling and got me to lunch (leftovers). Napped. Woke up and didn't really feel like cooking, even though bacon wrapped scallops are one of my favorite delicacies. Andy said "Let's go to Subway". I wasn't terribly hungry, but I got a salad, and was fine the rest of the night.
Highlite of the day: finding cream top organic cream for 40% off at Real Foods. What girl can resist a 40% off sale? I got two, vowing to make Andy some epic ice cream. I also picked up some yummy raw milk. Grace slugged it down eagerly. I also had to wrestle the cream away from her when I gave her a sip at home.

Today: I made myself an epic omelette. Couldn't finish all of it. Was going to have some avocado & tuna for lunch, but was avocado-less. All week I've been trying to score avocados at Sunflower Market. They've been on sale 2/$1. I kept going earlier and earlier. The first day they went on sale there were 0 to be had. The next day I tried, I went around 4. They were scant & picked over. Today I hit up the market around 9 or 10. They had plenty but none were ripe. There went my lunch. I bought 8 anyway (the limit), and figured I could set them out on the counter to ripen for a later date. Also got groceries for the week. Stocked up on frozen veggies mostly. Also go some sugar free syrup for Italian soda & ice cream.

Got home & the la nouba marshmallows I had Andy order had arrived. They weren't supposed to be here until the 27th, but there they were. 6 bags of carefree, sugar free, 0 carb marshmallows. I've been craving marshmallows something fierce since May! These hit the spot. I opened a pack just for Andy, grabbed the organic cream, some gelatin, almonds, and sugar free chocolate syrup. I was going to make Andy some rocky road ice cream! (recipe below)
Since I had no avocados, I just went for a homemade Italian soda which was mainly HWC, perrier, and sugar free raspberry syrup. It was good, and it filled me up until dinner (stuffed peppers).

and now my epic cooking genius brings you 0 carb rocky road ice cream!
All of the rocky road joy, without the fork in the road guilt (and resulting sugar spike)

2c cream top heavy cream (or double cream)
1 packet unflavored gelatin
1 package la nouba sugar free-0 carb marshmallows
1/2c slivered almonds
1.5c torani sugar free chocolate syrup (or to taste. Add 1/2c at a time until satisfied)
pinch sea salt

Combine gelatin, 1/2c cold cream, and sugar free chocolate syrup in a medium saucepan. Stir and then allow to rest 1 min. Stir constantly over low heat until gelatin is completely dissolved, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat.

Transfer mixture to a large bowl. Chill in freezer until the consistency of unbeaten egg whites, about 1 hour; stir occasionally.

Meanwhile, pour remaining heavy cream into bowl and whip until fluffy. Remove gelatin mix from freezer and fold whipped cream into gelatin mixture. Add sea salt, fold gently. Begin processing in ice cream maker per manufacturer's instructions

when ice cream starts to come together, break up marshmallows into small pieces and add to ice cream mixture and allow to mix. Add almonds. Finish processing.

ENJOY!

NUTRITION:
serving size - 1/2c
229 cals, 0 carb, 25 fat, 1 protein, 53 sodium

GOALS FOR THE WEEK:

• Clean the f-bomb house. Unfortunately, my housekeeping reflects my emotions. When I'm happy, the house tends to be tidier (this hasn't happened since October). When I'm moody & depressed, the house is a mess. This week it's been completely trashed.
• Go to gym at least once
• Make better food choices by resisting sugar cravings

Progress Report

Last week I made some goals to help prevent me from launching into bad behavior and subsequent manic depression:

1) allow bacon
2) pancakes once a month, if I feel so inclined
3) homemade ice cream once a month (last week I made 4 quarts. BAD IDEA)
4) no baking (except when I go visiting teaching. They will reap the goods, Andy & Grace will get any sparse leftovers)
5) 1 square of dark chocolate per week
6) limit fruit to 1/2c a week (I have a serious berry addiction. It's ridiculous, and not helping my blood sugar I'm sure)

Here's how I've done:
1) I've enjoyed bacon
2) No desire for pancakes yet
3) We had some strawberries going bad in the fridge, so I broke down and made some strawberry ice cream. Andy doesn't like it, but Grace does.
4) We had bananas going bad so I broke down & baked banana bread. I've only had 2 pieces out of the 12 piece batch, and they didn't hold too much sway over me. Yay!
5) Going through spurts throughout every day where I crave chocolate, but by the time I'm able to reach for it, the craving is gone.
7) Grace's strawberries that she's been taking care of on our back porch garden are starting to come in. She had the first ripe one, I had the 2nd ripe one today. Oh and I made raspberry lemonade from scratch last night using lemon juice, splenda (we ran out of stevia), and frozen raspberries. It's way good!

So how am I doing?

Getting Caught Up

The last few weeks we've been getting caught up on our dental work as a family. Last week I got super deep cleaning done under my gums on my right side, and today I got my left side done. They numb you up to the point where you're easily mistaken for a stroke victim, and I couldn't really eat the rest of the day. Knowing this, I was prepared for my left side today! Over the weekend, I wondered if key lime juice + coconut milk + a little sweetener would taste like key lime pie. Then I had the brilliant idea to make a protein pudding of it. It worked like a charm. I had food I could easily gum and swallow post-dental.

KEY LIME PROTEIN PUDDING
2 packets knox unflavored gelatine (abt 2T)
1/2c cold water
1 13.5 oz can coconut milk (I used Native Forest-- ty to my PB friends for turning me on to it and foresaking Thai Kitchen! MAKE SURE TO SHAKE THOROUGHLY BEFORE OPENING)
1/2c key lime juice
2 scoops unflavored whey protein powder
your favorite sweetener to taste

In sauce pan, pour 1/2c cold water & the gelatine. Give it a stir so it's not all clumped together, then let it settle for 1 min. Over low heat, stir for at least 5 mins. The water should turn very nearly clear as the gelatine is dissolved. Remove from heat, allow to cool 5 mins.
In separate bowl, pour coconut milk & key lime juice, add the protein powder. With a mixer (I used a stick blender, very effective), blend until protein powder is completely dissolved. Taste, and begin to add sweetener until it meets your taste bud's satisfaction.
Slowly, drizzle the gelatin/water into your key lime base, stirring on low 30 seconds. Place in fridge. Allow to set 2 hours.

Nutritional information (for mine):
900 cals, 81g fat, 14g carb (100% from the coconut milk), 47g protein, 7g sugar, 72g saturated fat, 50mg sodium, 90 mg cholesterol, 770 mg potassium

Of course, if you divide this into portions, it'll be much lower

Also, if you switch out the coconut milk for HWC, you drop to 0 carb, but the calories go up astronomically, and you'll miss out on that terrific lauric acid from coconut milk.

I think I will try it as a smoothie in a few days. It was very refreshing for the hot weather we've been having.

While I was getting my left side done, Grace got her very first dentist check up. She was super cooperative from what I could hear. I was getting drugged up when they brought her back to the stall next to mine. That's when the trouble started. I have this ginormous syringe in my cheek and suddenly I hear "Hi, I'm Grace!"
My eyes water, I dare not move though I desperately want to burst into laughter like a knee jerk reflex. "I have toes! I'm THREE!"
Even my hygienist was giggling.

God bless my wicked awesome, hilarious kid.

Grace-isms

Ever since my "episode" on Monday, Grace has been very lovey. If I go out of her sight, she starts calling: "Mommy, where are yooouuu?"
Usually I'm using the toilet.
In addition to the mommy stalking and extra snuggles (which I haven't minded at all, she's not normally a cuddly person), I also wanted to share some "Grace-isms" or things she's said over the last few days.

"Mommy, I got a drink. It's very drinky."
As we're putting her to bed, she tells us very frankly, "I'm cranky." (lol, y'think?)
Tonight at dinner after accidentally dropping her sippy cup: "My bottle is very downy."
Often when I've asked her to do something she doesn't want to, she tells me in an angry voice "I no do it. I HAPPY!". This is complete with crossed arms and pouty face on her part.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" (Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't think this business was supposed to start for another decade. 3 days out from turning 3. REALLY?!)
Andy helping her with prayer before bed:
Andy: "Dear Heavenly Father,"
Grace: "Dear Thomas"
Andy: "Thank you for this day."
Grace: "Thank you for Thomas."
Andy: "Please bless me"
Grace: "Please bless Thomas"

obviously she watches too much Thomas the Tank Engine, LOL.

Love you, sugar bean.

The Game Plan

Okay, sorry for yesterday's rant. Andy & I talked about how I felt when we went to bed. He's going to help me crack down on my diet, and we have some rules in place.

First of all, trigger foods are now out of the house. So that will help. Whole 30 is too strict, but I still want to crack down on my diet. We laid out some goals. Maybe I should call it Primal 30, even though I want it to last longer than that.

1) bacon allowed
2) pancakes once a month, if I feel so inclined
3) homemade ice cream once a month (last week I made 4 quarts. BAD IDEA)
4) no baking (except when I go visiting teaching. They will reap the goods, Andy & Grace will get any sparse leftovers)
5) 1 square of dark chocolate per week
6) limit fruit to 1/2c a week (I have a serious berry addiction. It's ridiculous, and not helping my blood sugar I'm sure)

I think my episode yesterday was triggered by crappy food. I asked him to help keep me in line. We're going to start grocery shopping together again so I don't splurge on unnecessary stuff.

Sorry if I scared any of my friends. I'm pretty sure I had manic bipolar depression as a teenager, but was never officially diagnosed or treated.

On another note, Andy suggested that Satan is trying to drive us away from our goals. If he's trying this hard, our future kids must be wicked bad ass kung fu warriors of awesomeness, and he REALLY doesn't want to have to deal with them. Something to think about.

Also wanted to reiterate how awesome my sweet little Grace is. Last night when I just wanted to be left alone, Andy came into the room and of course Grace followed right behind since she's a total daddy minion. One thing you should understand about the daddy minion is she's a "Monkey see, monkey do". So there I was feeling pretty numb and glumb and Andy sits on the edge of the bed. Grace pulls herself up and sits near me. Andy starts rubbing my leg, Grace rubs mommy's leg too. Andy hugs, Grace hugs. "Mommy sad?"
By this time tears are starting to stream down my cheeks as I look into Grace's beautiful little face. I nod.
"Awww," says Grace sympathetically, then touches the tip of my nose. "Moo."
Thanks, sunshine.

Revenge of the Binge

So I know I haven't blogged since Everyday Paleo ended. I think I've been running and hiding in shame. I was "good" for a week after that and when Grace's birthday came (just this past weekend), the hideous fearsome binge monkey raised its head again.

Just this morning the thought re-entered my mind that, subconsciously, I may be trying to kill myself by over eating. Since May, I've put on nearly 20 lbs. This is me being brutally honest. I'm not in a good place emotionally, and I am trying to scream for help. While I feel there are people listening, and trying to reach out, I also feel like I am alone.
Honestly, I'm seriously considering shaving my head, cutting myself, and randomly disappearing indefinitely and telling no one. This is not sarcasm.

I know I said I was going to start Whole 30 right after Grace's birthday, but I've had a really hard time getting on the horse. I desperately need to get back to regular exercise, but the thought of going near a treadmill makes me die a little inside, and I don't handle the heat well. I've thought about going for an early morning walk or a walk after dinner, but the standard route causes the same feelings in me and I don't do well in the heat. I also don't want to take Grace or Andy with me, but I don't want to go alone. Can you see part of my problem here? I can lift big weights in the weight room, but I feel lost in there too since I don't really know what kind of a workout I should do to tone up and tend to go to the machines I feel comfortable in and throw myself into a rut.

I've been in the same 10 lb weight range for a year now (I'm 185 now, and I was 185 this time last year). This doesn't help either cuz when I get frustrated I take it out on food, and thus the binge cycle starts again.

I feel lost. I just want to disappear.