Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Idiot's Guide to Running

Hello there! My name is Idiot, and today I'm going to share my #1 bestseller: The Idiot's Guide to Running. This guide is a bestseller, because it is short and so stupidly simple. You will be running 3 days a week. You will eat like a pig. See below.

Get on a treadmill. I don't care if it's your first time. Walk 2 mins on 4.0. Slam it to 7.0 for 3 mins. Walk 3 mins. Warp speed to 8 two mins. Walk 5 cuz you're pretty sure your lung collapsed. Hammer out 5.0 for the last 5 mins. Crawl through 5 min cool down. By the way, you enjoy every second, cuz you're not thinking about what's going to happen when you wake up tomorrow. The speed was exhilarating, right?

This is your rest day. Good thing too, cuz I don't think you'll be able to get out of bed after our little jog yesterday.

Get back on the @#%* treadmill! We're going to walk out the pain today. Pain is weakness leaving the body. March on 4.0. Oh, did I mention we're going to run today? Better bump it up to 4.5. Now walk. Now run on 5. Now walk. Now run on 5.5. Cool down on 3.5. Doesn't that feel better?

Go for a 3-4 mile walk. You'll thank me tomorrow.

Get on the treadmill. You can do it. Just think-- you'll have two whole days to rest after this. It's only a few minutes of your life. Punch in 4.2. Walk 5 mins. Run on 5 for 5. Walk 2 mins. Run 5. Walk 3. Run 5. Cool down 5. See? That wasn't so bad. Enjoy your weekend, sucker!

So, uh, yeah. I'm an idiot. Monday I went to gym. I hadn't run in at least a week. I forgot to stretch. Pounded out 2 & 1/4 miles in 30 mins. Woke up Tuesday pretty darn sore! Quads screaming at me by evening. ActivOn helped. The plan was to walk it out today, but Idiot here got ambitious and did a couple interval runs. Tomorrow we're going to really walk it out, and then launch an attack on Friday.


Breakfast: Heavy Egg Nog-- 1 half pint heavy whipping cream, 6 eggs, stevia vanilla cream, nutmeg. Blend. Consume. 1200 cals!
Batty's Blueberry Butter Balls-- blueberries, butter, coconut. Is there anything better? Om, nom, nom.

Lunch: 5 oz London Broil

Dinner: Bacon wrapped chicken breast

Total damage: 1965 cals, 111 protein, 160 delicious fat (80 saturated), 9 carbs. 75% fat, 23% protein, 2% carbs.