Revenge of the Binge

So I know I haven't blogged since Everyday Paleo ended. I think I've been running and hiding in shame. I was "good" for a week after that and when Grace's birthday came (just this past weekend), the hideous fearsome binge monkey raised its head again.

Just this morning the thought re-entered my mind that, subconsciously, I may be trying to kill myself by over eating. Since May, I've put on nearly 20 lbs. This is me being brutally honest. I'm not in a good place emotionally, and I am trying to scream for help. While I feel there are people listening, and trying to reach out, I also feel like I am alone.
Honestly, I'm seriously considering shaving my head, cutting myself, and randomly disappearing indefinitely and telling no one. This is not sarcasm.

I know I said I was going to start Whole 30 right after Grace's birthday, but I've had a really hard time getting on the horse. I desperately need to get back to regular exercise, but the thought of going near a treadmill makes me die a little inside, and I don't handle the heat well. I've thought about going for an early morning walk or a walk after dinner, but the standard route causes the same feelings in me and I don't do well in the heat. I also don't want to take Grace or Andy with me, but I don't want to go alone. Can you see part of my problem here? I can lift big weights in the weight room, but I feel lost in there too since I don't really know what kind of a workout I should do to tone up and tend to go to the machines I feel comfortable in and throw myself into a rut.

I've been in the same 10 lb weight range for a year now (I'm 185 now, and I was 185 this time last year). This doesn't help either cuz when I get frustrated I take it out on food, and thus the binge cycle starts again.

I feel lost. I just want to disappear.

Everyday Paleo, Day 30

You know how I mentioned yesterday that I felt like Sarah was pulling out the fireworks the last few days? Well, brace yourself for the finale, cuz it's pretty spectacular.

This morning my eyes opened at 8:38. Apparently the human alarm clock (Grace) was sleeping in. It rained all night, and it was still overcast outside, so the darkness problem made her own internal alarm clock go on snooze. I wanted to make muffins for visiting teaching this morning, but didn't want to be clunking around the kitchen and waking up Grace or Andy (who took the day off to work on sealing the roof). Finally, Grace got up at 9, and I started on those muffins (blueberry flax). They came out just in time to cool and bag and bolt out the door at 10 am. Got visiting teaching done, and was home at 11:20. Andy was getting Grace ready for our parent-teacher sit down at her pre-school. We took care of that, and also decided to try the dentist next door to her school since we haven't seen ours in a few years (he was unable to accept the new insurance we switched to, which is sad cuz I loved him & his office. Legal amount of novacaine and a movie screen in the ceiling? Yes, please!). So I'm scheduled for my first check up since Grace was a few months old, then Grace has her first appointment (yay, milestones!), and Andy has a check up at the end of the month.

Anyway, the point is I didn't get breakfast till about 12:30. Leftover pork tenderloin, mashed cauliflower, and poached eggs. Mmmm!

Got Grace down for a nap, and I laid down too. Napping is fantastic. Don't let anyone ever tell you you're too old for one ;)
When we got up, we headed out to the hardware store. Andy is still working on planting my berry bushes, so we got stuff for that, as well as things to repair the roof.
Came home & started dinner.

Dinner wasn't complicated, it was just a lot of stuff to prep and get into 3 different pans. Andy seemed a little exasperated that I was constantly asking for help, but he was instrumental in getting dinner on the table-- especially my favorite part, plantain chips (which I've never had before)
Okay, brace yourself, here come the fireworks!

Everyday Paleo, Day 30 GRAND FINALE!
Puerto Rican beef over mashed sweet potatoes with homemade guacamole & plantain chips. I am STUFFED! I mashed the sweet potatoes with coconut milk, ghee, and just a dash of cardamom. Thanksgiving Dinner would be envious. It was wicked good.

Thanks, Sarah, for a fantastic experience.

Tomorrow I will launch right into a modified Whole 30. I was going to wait til after Grace's birthday on the 9th, but I think I'm ready for a new challenge. I will be allowing bacon, butter, 1 square of dark chocolate/week, and pancakes/waffles (mainly cuz we're having them for dinner tomorrow). Yeah, yeah, I know "What's the point of doing a whole 30 then?". I'll be cracking down on my diet, and keeping you updated daily on how I'm doing.

Everyday Paleo, Day 29

Breakfast was supposed to be egg houses (see Day 11), but I was kinda "Meh". So I had bacon instead. Fed Grace and got us ready for the morning, off to playgroup. It was warm, but breezy, so perfect. Munched on homemade trail mix, and shared my Chuao Firecracker bar with the other moms there (sharing chocolate = love... and less temptation for me).

(Grace at park, cuz I totally rocked her wardrobe this morning-- a dress she outgrew with jeans, a rainbow necklace, and purple hairband)

On our way out, I accidentally smacked myself pretty hard in the face with the car trunk door. My clumsiness continues to amaze me. Monday I injure my foot, Tuesday I twist my ankle, Wednesday I give myself a black eye, Thursday I probably will burn myself, and Friday I will just tell Andy to let me die in a dark corner cuz I give up & the week isn't even over yet!
After that, we headed over to Kids Village for reading time. I met a new mom who had a girl just a few months older than Grace and they are going to be in the same class together in the fall.
When we got home, I wasn't really hungry for lunch, even though Andy generously left me a stuffed bell pepper. I got Grace down for a nap, then laid down myself. My head was hurting when I got up, and dishes and chores needed to be done, and I just felt BLAH. I hated to do it, but I asked Andy to cook.

Can I just say again "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY!" The man delivers every time. It would seem that he's even getting into the spirit of food porn. Look how pretty he made the chicken piccata the other night, and tonight's dinner:

pork tenderloin with cherry sauce over mashed cauliflower and a side of roasted fennel

Did my man deliver, or did he deliver? I kind of feel like Sarah is putting on a fireworks show with these last few meals, so we must give her props, too!

Also, giving credit where credit's deserved, Andy (being the Golden Boy extraordinaire that he is) won his company's yearly prestigious coin award for exemplary performance. So proud. My guy rocks!

After dinner, I completely spaced Primary presidency meeting, despite reminding Stacey about it at playgroup. I blame the imaginary concussion! We went to Sunflower for some berries (on sale, woo!), and Grace's pool deflated right after she got out of it yesterday, so we bought her a new pool. New AND improved. It has a water sprayer thingy & water slide. She's going to LOVE it! Andy is getting a tarp tomorrow to lay on the grass & protect our investment.

Everyday Paleo, Day 28

Breakfast was Spring Scramble (see Day 12). I took pictures again, though, cuz I don't think I had everything the first time around

After breakfast, I got Grace dressed cuz she wanted to play outside. It was awful warm & I thought it might be good to finally hunt down her kiddie pool in the shed. I've been meaning to do it for at least a week now.
By the way my toe is feeling better today & I only suffered a twisted ankle during this endeavour!
In case you're wondering: Yes, I am a total klutz. Thank you for asking.

While she was playing, I got brave and went inside to throw on my tankini for some quick tanning & vitamin D absorption. I only laid out for 15 mins with some SPF 12 on, but it felt good... except for the profuse sweat. I started getting hungry & dragged Grace (kicking and screaming, the poor little puddle duck) into the house for lunch which was *drumroll* coconut shrimp.

Okay, so, if you don't like shrimp, you should probably look for the unsubscribe link on my blog. Jus'sayin. Bacon & shrimp are probably 2 of my favorite foods.

I garnished it with butter & key lime juice. Very yummy!

I got Grace down for a nap, and vegged. When she got up, I ran to Walmart for some soil & bigger pots for my poor, withering squashes. Needless to say, they are going to be a lot happier now!
Once we got home, I started with dinner. Sarah suggests stuffed peppers for this evening. I've made stuffed peppers before, but never like this. Our biggest frying pan (which can probably hold about a gallon of stuff) was very nearly full, and I looked down at my 6 peppers & thought "No way is this all going to fit!"
Guess what. It did.

After dinner, we went for a quick walk (about 1 mile). I jogged 1/4 of it. Andy gave Grace some Talenti Gelato while I showered. This stuff is even more delicious than ice cream. I don't have it often (it's pricey in both cash and carbs), but it's one of those things that's definitely worth the indulgence, and it has a very short ingredient list on most of their products (BO-NUS!)

Off to watch Beastly. Have been wanting to see it.

Everyday Paleo, Day 27

First thing's first.
I dropped at least a pound of frozen chicken, if not more, on to my toe this morning from about 5 feet (the freezer). It's the part that connects my toe to my foot. I didn't think much of it as first, other than "Ow, ow, ow!", set the chicken out to defrost, and moved on with my day.

Breakfast was pancakes, and ham was suggested, so I had bacon, hahaha. Now, I like my egg white flax pancakes (they are a lot lower carb), but these bad boys were just as tasty and won a place on my recommended list. Nice and thick and addicting!

Grace had a big breakfast too. I swear some days the kid has a hollow leg!

Lunch was supposed to be leftover albondigas soup, but I had to run my brother in law on a few errands. I figured I'd be back by 2 and have lunch. Nope. We got home at 4. At that point, there wasn't much point in having lunch, since dinner was going to be served in an hour or two.
Except that my foot was becoming noticeably more uncomfortable... and bruised. I don't have full range of motion at the moment, but I can move, it's just not so fun. I asked hubby to cook and he delivered!

Dinner was chicken piccata over cauliflower fried rice. IT WAS RESTAURANT QUALITY! I loved it. It took nearly two hours to cook (my poor husband), and I ended up finishing eating dinner around 8:20. I highly recommend this dish, despite its lengthiness. So worth it.

If my foot isn't better tomorrow, I'll be paying my chiro a visit. He can fix anything!

Everyday Paleo, Day 26

So my idea to combine the butter chicken & curried veggie last night was a resounding success! Music in my mouth to the tune of mmmm, mmm, mm!

Got Andy up at 10 (love dog-piling him on the weekends with Grace, and playing as a family for the next half hour), got him fed, and he started helping me pull lunch together. Everyday Paleo Pizza. This was a good experience for us because now we know that meatza is far superior in taste, and we really don't miss the crust on meatza, but this paleo pizza was good in its own right, and Grace chowed down willingly.

As soon as it was in the oven, I set to work on preparing dinner. It was going to take an hour to prepare, and I didn't think we'd have time when we got home from church before going to stake choir practice. I'm glad I did, cuz I just wanted a nap when we got home from church.

Have you ever come across a food whose name you're not quite sure how to pronounce? I had that quandry. Dinner was Albondigas Soup. "Al-bon-di-gus?" "Al-bon-dee-has?". At choir I mentioned it to my friend & she said "Albon-deehas". Aha!
However you say it, it was pretty tasty. Spicy, but tasty.

It calls for 2 lbs of ground beef for the meatballs. I don't know about you, but ground beef is expensive here, but I can get ground Italian turkey sausage for $1/lb. To soften the blow of the cost, I did 1 lb ground beef & 1 lb Italian turkey sausage. It helps cut the cost of spices, and cuts back on fat if that's a concern of yours (not me, I love fat. Fat is delicious! Everyone should learn to embrace it and eat some).
I used a similar trick to help cut the cost on the pizza. It calls for 2 cups of almond flour. Almond flour is hello expensive ($10/lb), but flaxmeal is not. So I used 1c almond flour, and 1c flaxmeal. Tasty, especially with the rosemary from my garden.

Best of all, my blood sugar was 95 before dinner. Haven't seen it that low in a while. Now if I can just figure out how to get it that low in the mornings!

Everyday Paleo, Day 25

The menu today was veggie curry hash, leftover stew, and better butter chicken. I wasn't really hungry for breakfast, so I made the hash for Andy. There is leftovers for tomorrow, so I will take a picture of it then (and explain more in a moment).

Was not impressed with the stew last night and still wasn't hungry, so I didn't have much of a lunch either (a few nibbles of Grace's Greek yogurt, and a nap). We went grocery shopping. Would you believe we got a week's worth of groceries for less than $70? I was thrilled. That NEVER happens. Don't ask how it happened. I think it just worked out that we had 90% of the ingredients in the house already and just needed fresh veggies.

Dinner was better butter chicken, which I had Andy cook. He was a prince about it and did great.

Have you ever had one of those meals that you don't like at first bite, but then it starts growing on you? This was one of those dishes. It came down to forcing ourselves (okay, MYSELF) to leave leftovers for breakfast in the morning. The menu doesn't call for leftovers, but I thought it would go fantastic with the hash as a protein source.

To further increase his prince-like spectacular epicness, Andy is outside transplanting my flourishing berry bushes into the ground. I am so lucky to have such a nice guy for a hubbins.