Sunday, September 11, 2011

You Know Better Than I

What's the hardest thing to do in life?
Is it letting go of loved ones?
Is it giving birth to new life?
It's submitting to the Lord's will. 

It completely SUCKS.  The hardest thing is giving up control of your life and being humble to the Lord's plans.  It's telling Him "Not my will, but Thine be done."

I recall a cold November night in 2008.  Grace was just 4 months old.  I stood in a meeting as the new Primary Secretary, trying to calm a fussy, screaming baby, and keep up with what was going on.  I felt completely lost and overwhelmed.  What was I doing here?  I couldn't even handle my own kid, let alone a room full of them.  I didn't belong in this calling!  Why was the Lord doing this to me?

Fast forward to early 2010.  The presidency was released, and I was kept on as secretary.  The new presidency looked to me to guide and direct them.  It was kind of funny seeing their deer-in-the-headlight stares.  "Ahhh!  What do I do?"  "No worries, sister.  I've got your back.  I'm here to make you look good."
(obviously I'd gotten a lot more confident over the past year).  The new presidency got the hang of things, and I started feeling like I fit in better with this new group than the previous one.  I belonged here!  There was no other calling I'd rather have.  I loved running around the church for 2 hours, passing out roles, and doing whatever errands were needed of me.  Staying busy suit my ADD nicely. 

September 8, 2011:
One of the counselors of the Bishopric stopped by to let me know I was being released.
Wait.  What? 
I knew we were going through another presidency change, but the new president told me she wasn't going to change much, and most likely only call someone to replace her position (she had been a counselor).  So you can imagine my shock when I was informed I was being released.  I would have a new calling in about two weeks.  "It better be in the Primary presidency," I laughed nervously.  My only console was that the person taking over secretary was in desperate need of the calling to uplift and enrich her family's lives, and that I would understand when I heard her name called.  I brought the matter to the new Primary president, and the only answer I got was her putting her arm around my shoulders and telling me "Trish, there are great plans in store for you."
That didn't help at all. 
I've been really upset over it, and I thought having it done and over with today at church would make my heartache subside.  I was wrong.  We sang Be Thou Humble in Sacrament and I just started bawling. 

Be thou humble in thy calling, and the Lord thy God shall teach thee
To serve his children gladly with a pure and gentle love.
Be thou humble in thy longing, and the Lord thy God shall take thee,
Shall take thee home at last to ever dwell with him above.

I feel like I've been dumped by a boyfriend.  I'm in mourning.  It makes no sense to me because I've always been really happy about being released from my previous callings.  This is the first release I've shed tears over. (And considering I sliced my hands open at a meeting last spring, I've officially shed blood, sweat, AND tears for my calling!)

So here I am.  I feel completely lost and overwhelmed.  What am I doing here?  I belong in the Primary presidency!  Why is the Lord doing this to me?

Because He knows better than I.  He sees the big picture for me.  I see only brushstrokes.